وزارد او دا وستساد
American blog of Iranian dissent

Shír Madness

By Kia Kamran, esq.

I just got back from driving through the protests in front of the Federal Building here in L.A. and I honked a lot. That was cool. I find honking generally rude and only to be used as a substitute for sticking your head out the window and yelling “STAY IN YOUR LANE DIPSHIT !” or “HEY FUCKFACE MOVE IT!” etc. . . so it was kinda cool to honk like a crazed convulsing monkey, except that I finally got bored of being there and I wanted to leave but the car in front of me wouldn’t move, so I was caught in a quandary ‘cuz now I was doing the “HEY FUCKFACE MOVE IT!” honk but all it got me was a victory sign from Houshang in the car in front of me. But anyhow, I digest. . .

I call this Iran situation a “situation” because it is not yet clear (to ME, at least), whether we merely have “protests,” a more intense “uprising”, or a full blown REVOLUTION. Although I hope it is the latter, I guess “situation” is the most a-propos intensity-neutral all-fitting term, but in reading this, you’ll note that I’m using the 3 expressions interchangeably:

CNN: Though I’m happy CNN is dedicating this much time to Iran, it’s obvious that the non-existence of conventional news gathering sources, and the exclusive reliance on YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook for their content, has over-saturated their coverage with redundantly repetitious and repetitious material. If you think about it, the “breaking news” parts can pretty much all be fit into ½ hours per day. The rest is just rehashes of the same bits of footage that have already been aired and that we all already saw on our Facebook feeds BEFORE it was on CNN anyway. HOWEVER, I can’t be mad at CNN; I find myself watching it endlessly with my mouth open and hunched over like a drooling fixated moron. I wonder if I’m breathing loud too. . . hmmm. Anyhow, I also believe CNN’s coverage is giving this uprising the saliency it deserves, not just because of the EXTENT of time they’re giving to it, but also the QUALITY of their commentaries, etc. . . Their Atlanta reporters are respectable and professional, and only mildly emotional and annoying with their editorializations. There is this one Persian dude on there that’s referred to as an “Iran Expert” and who translates the videos and he is really good; I like that brother. I also like that young black dude with the really round face; he acts like he cares. BUT, I can’t stand Tony Harris, he’s a total hack and can’t interview for shit; Until I posted a comment on his page on CNN saying “hey dipshit, it’s NOT AhmaNAdinejad, you do this for a LIVING, get it right”, he was mispronouncing that name. Yes I take full credit for that. OH, and finally, Fareed Zakaria, whom I have much respect for and wish he was Persian so we could claim him (damn it), had these guests on Sunday and one of them was Hooman Majd who wrote the book “The Ayatollah Begs to Differ” (which admittedly I haven’t read). You will be happy to know that brother Majd is one of the O.G. music business impresarios, working closely with Chris Blackwell at Island Records for many MANY years, and Hooman was instrumental in the careers of Bob Marley and U2. He is a true renaissance man (and he actually A&R’d Bob’s "Talkin’ Blues" record. . . a classic). Maximum respect to brother Majd; I can’t wait to break some bread and zooloobia with you and hear your Bob Marley stories, like you promised me way back. Come on man, make some time for a brutha and call me. What the eff?

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: While we’re on the subject of manly CNN anchors, it is worth mentioning that sister Amanpour is married to this MOT dude Jamie Rubin who is a professor at Columbia University, and I watched him on Larry King tonight while I was on the elliptical at the gym and he’s a handsome-ass articulate brutha, definitively dispositive of the question of who’s getting the better deal in that marriage.

PORTRAYAL OF IRANIANS: Another thing that I’m completely stoked about is how we are all being portrayed (not just on CNN but all other channels) -- as smart, intelligent, articulate, and PASSIONATE people, as opposed to the bat-shit crazy free-balling robe-wearing, setting-random-shit-on-fire, misspelled-sign-holding, “khh”- and “ghh”-intensive-bloody-murder-screaming-to-the-sky, and arm-flailing religious fanatic bearded ass-face freaks that have usually been emblematic of protests in the Middle East since god knows when. OH, and Iranian protesters include some fine ass WOMEN too, I may add. . . See below.

WOMEN: OK so I am PROUD as shit that Iran’s uprising is also being participated-in by all these women of the opposite sex. I come from a generally female-dominant family (well, at least. . . the women in my family are the most extroverted. . . ok make that just my sisters, those chicks are loud and opinionated and impervious to any criticism whatsoever, and they out-extrovertert-anize my dad, my mom, my brother, and me), so it makes me REALLY happy that, here too, we’re not seeing solely a bunch of hamvatan hairy-chested brothers in the streets, but also hamvatan hairy chested SISTERS. Oh, and need I mention, all these girls are total BABES man; have you seen that shit? Raaaaaawr; Ver Eez My Vote?? I dunno, but DER EEZ MY WIFE !!! Seriously though, I had no Idea how arousing it was to watch perfectly made up, manicured, and symmetrically-eyebrow-waxed Persian sisters protest. Can we call this a green “babe-olution” instead please? no? too soon? Ok let’s move on.

MEN: OK for the sake of equal time and candor. . . I have to also point out that my Persian brothers in the streets in Iran are all a bunch of handsome studs too, with they hair all porposht and gelled and junk, and. . . have you seen this shit. . . they’re all wearing DESIGNER jeans!!! It’s almost like if all these bancheh naneh “AYAM IN [DADDY’S] REE-EL ESTATE BIZNESS” dudes that we all run into at Sunset Plaza having lunch and staring at you when you walk by got up and protested, except of course, the protesters in Iran are not a bunch of L.A. pussies.

TWITTER AND FACEBOOK: OK so we all know that this revolution is going to go down in the books as the first “digital revolution” in the most literal sense. So much for Malcolm X’s “the revolution will not be televised” statement. No brutha, it will, and this and all future revolutions will be Twittered- and Facebooked-the-shit-out-of. Also, have you noticed that we are seeing most of this footage posted on our Facebook feeds before it makes it on CNN. My own Facebook page is going CRAZY with constant updates (ok, mostly from my sisters, those chicks are going absolutely apeshit nuts right now with the updates – if you’re friends with them, you know my pain).

OBAMA / USA: Thank you brutha Barak for keeping your comments to a minimum; I think his initial statement that “the whole world is watching” was perfectly elegant, and sufficient. This morning’s press conference too was perfectly adequate. I previously “status updated” about my thoughts on US involvement here, so I’ll just cut and paste the shit right here (sans the scrotum and queefing reference – sorry Anita): “Kia Kam is glad Obama's keeping his mouth shut and not giving into Neocons' (who really don't know, understand, or give a flying fu&k about Iranian people) "cries" for him to say more. Once this becomes "America's" fight too, then those dipshit towelhead mullahs have all the reason to unleash a massacre on the protesters under the guise of "defeating western influence". On this same point, I should add that most Iranian people in Iran (or at least those I’ve heard render opinions online, on CNN, or on “Radio Irooni”), as well as most scholars and commentators who have a sense of history agree with this approach (including Reza Pahlavi, as of yesterday). If you want a very eloquent encapsulation of the reasons why the US should stay on this prudent “don’t intermeddle” path, search for Zbigniev Brezinski’s interview on Fareed Zakaria last Sunday. Also eloquent was Jamie Rubin tonight on Larry King. In short, this is NOT US’s fight. Iranians are suspicious of US’s motives (we supported Iraq during the Iran-Iraq war, we overthrew their only ever democratically elected leader – Mossadegh, and that dipshit Bush called Iran Axis of Evil blah blah), and, let’s face it, Iran has historically been the Bermuda Triangle of foreign policy for the US, so the US needs to be careful so as not to fuck up. Also worth mentioning, I saw the “news scroll” Tweets on CNN today in the conference room at work and someone said “in 1987, Reagan said ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall’, in 2009, Obama said ‘Ahmadinejad, do whatever you want’”. OK. . . this is totally a gooz-beh-shaghigheh apples-and-oranges comparison – the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain was a culmination of 40 YEARS of a “cold war” between USA and USSR. Same with US’s support for the Polish Solidarity movement in the 1980s. Poland’s Solidarity from the USSR was a symbolic proxy for the US’s fight to defeat communism for the good of the US PEOPLE. This is NOT USA’s fight. This is not an EMOTIONAL issue, it’s an intellectual issue.

McCAIN: McCain should kiss my black ass and then shut the fuck up. This is the same shit-sucking dog-dick that sang “Bomb Bomb Iran” during his campaign, but who is now waiving the “backbone” flag to pull national-security-expertise rank on brother Barak. Funny. . . McCain himself showed the most abhorrent absence of his OWN backbone by subjugating himself to Karl Rove-ian tactics during his campaign and allowing himself to basically get ass-fucked by Rove (remember Palin? Remember “naïve”?), thankfully leading to his defeat. Basically, Mr. McCain, you’re pandering to peoples’ simplistic and visceral reactions that the US should do something on a MORAL level, whereas the NATIONAL SECURITY interest of the US for the good of the American PEOPLE, and the LONG TERM interests of the USA vis-à-vis the IRANIAN people and US’s long term interests in that region all militate against any stronger stance or action by the US (at least at this time) than Obama has taken. Please shut the fuck up and sit down on your Depend diapers, will you please sir, thank you. God bless. Your wife is somewhat MILFesque, no but really she’s a skank like Palin.

WORLD SUPPORT: I wish I could see footage of AMERICANS supporting IRANIANS. Not just Iranians in other countries protesting. THAT would be amazing. . . seeing non-Iranians outside of Iran join the solidarity demonstrations and shit. On Sunday night I was at Hollywood bowl and saw a hipster Silverlake lookin’ couple both wearing green shirts and green ribbons around their wrists, obviously in solidarity with us – that was cool, I appreciated that, although the cynical me would have probably clowned them a bit if they were wearing Che’ Guevara shirts. People from Silverlake usually provide me good fodder to make fun of. They’re un-tanned, pasty, underpaid, and politically correct. I’m neither.

NEDA: man. . . my soul aches every time I see that clip, especially when her father or music teacher companion is screaming her name, and I totally tear up. The other day I saw myself holding my hand out towards the TV and dramatically squeezing and going “noooooooooo” like those over-dramatic huge-assed Mexican soap stars on Telemundo during the day. Sadly, Neda is the de-facto symbol of this revolution so far. . . but, candidly, I’m hoping it wont be THE symbol; My heart is with her and her dad and family, and I realize she is going to supplant the image of the bearded-middle-aged-man that symbolized the 1979 revolution. . . but THIS revolution’s symbol needs to be flag-waving, free, Iranian men AND WOMEN celebrating in the streets, peacefully and joyfully. I pray to Jeebus that THAT’s the image we’ll see. Oh, and may I say, Reza Pahlavi cries like a little byaaaatch.

SUPREME LEADER: OK, so, unless you’re 4 years old and a Star Wars fan who gets excited about Sith Lords and shit (like I do), or aforementioned bat-shit crazy Islamist fanatic, the notion of “SUPREME leader” has to be laughable, AT BEST. Did you also know that before Khomeini died, some other madar-ghahbeh known as the “GRAND AYATOLLAH Montazari” was supposed to succeed him (OK so I may have some technical details wrong, but the point is the usage of the adjective “GRAND” before “Ayatollah” – that’s just fucking goofy). First of all, going back to my Star Wars analogy, at least the Sith Lord “Emperor” in Star Wars had actual evil magic powers. . . he’d make lightning come out of his fingers and had a somewhat deep voice and an evil laugh, and oh cadaver-textured-skin. This here carry-a-pile-of-hizom-sticks-on-his-back-for-a-living-looking “Khamenei” dude is soft-spoken, has a soft white beard, a lame right hand, and basically just wears the costume, and that’s IT. Muthafucka at least wear a CAPE or some shit. . . let’s see some pinche effort here!! shit ! Speaking of “amaleh”, Ahmadinejad . . . that dude looks like he should be doing valet-parking at some kabob restaurant downtown and the kinda dude your friend makes fun of while we get out the car all stoned and shit to go get kabob all hungry and giggly and shit and you feel bad that your friend is abusive to people when you’re stoned, and then you’re all “aziatesh nakon badbakhteh falak-zadero” ‘cuz he’s just so frail and badbakht and immigrant looking and he’s doing valet parking for fuck’s sake, badbakht, how can you be mean to him, he was probably an architect back in Karaj and now he’s doing fucking valet parking by Santee Alley. But yeah, unless you’re a Star Wars nerd, or you list “tending to my goats and sometimes having sex with them” under your interests in IranianDahatiDating.com, there is NO WAY that Khamenei dude should have any influence on you.

MOUSSAVI: Here, the main point is, Moussavi is NOT a leader. . . he’s a symbol. You attorney-dweebs who do civil litigation can refer to him as “Person Most Knowledgeable” or PMK, or, in this particular scenario, Person-Most-Almost-Accidentally-The-Leader. He is the best-situated human symbol of this revolution, but he is obviously not LEADING the Revolution, it’s (arguably) leading HIM. He is FROM the old guard. . . he was gobbling Khomeini-cock too back in the day. . . he is cut from the same cloth as every other mullah, I actually would kinda like to kick his ass now that I think of it. It’s almost like, in the grand scheme of things, if there is to be a happy ending to this (read: a true revolution), we’ll all be glad that the clerics STOLE the election as the last straw to finally make the people rise up; if Moussavi had gotten elected, it’d be the saaaaaaame bullshit for another 4 years. How fucking cool would it be though if there was a TRUE leader right now. . . kinda like a Thor figure, with a hammer and shit, except Persian, ok with a kolang. . . we’ll call him “Ghor”. Which reminds me of a joke – this couple were having crazy hot passionate sex on the beach. When the dude was done pleasuring her, he was all proud of himself and got up and stated “I am Thor, behold my Hammer”, to which the girl responded “you’re Thor?? I’ve got thand in my puthy”. I thank you.

© A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Don’t steal this - I’m a copyright lawyer I’ll kick your ass.

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